art therapy with the boys

but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Isaiah 40:31 (NIV)

woke up so confused at 5 a.m.

had a mental breakdown about not going food pantry and not doing good enough for the meeting. grateful for T to help calm my spiralling thoughts.

went to mission for some art therapy. used oil pastel to recreate a paul signac painting, can't remember the name for it.

went to fedex to pickup the laptop and the area was so sketchy. broken trailers and RVs parked on the road. factories and train tracks and graffiti everywhere. i was walking at my fastest speed. so many irrational fears popped up. maybe the shady guy in the hoodie across the street will run towards me. maybe someone in a car will just drive up to me and rob my laptop. the guy chilling by the wall will jump me. so many possible worst-case scenarios.

read how to live by sarah bakewell on the train and i kept falling asleep. i've never felt so tired. i could not keep my eyes open.

montaigne was the first to write about himself extensively. he created a mirror in which other people recognize their own humanity. everyone who reads his writing finds themselves written in it. he wrote a total of 107 essays that captured whatever was going on through his head. he used these experiences as the basis to answer the biggest question of all: "how to live?" he wasn't interested in how one should live, but how to live a good life – an honorable life, a fully human, satisfying, flourishing one. this question drove him to write and read.

my steps are heavy this week, they lack the usual rhythm and tempo. i've been looking down a lot, i don't see faces anymore, just objects, it might be my self-esteem, my confidence shaken. it feels like i'm drifting.

next week will be a better week. life in SF is full of ups and downs. when you're at your lowest, it can only go up.