For if you know what you want, and will be content with it, you can be trusted. But if you do not know, your desires are limitless and no one can tell how to deal with you. Nothing satisfies an individual incapable of enjoyment.

― Alan Wilson Watts, The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are

slept till 11 a.m., ate my usual breakfast, and felt so tired that i went back to bed. woke up at 3 something. felt so hungry and fatigued, wanted to stay home for the rest of the day and rot in bed. i've never felt so drained.

eventually had to get up to eat, didn't have lunch so i went to gourmet kitchen to get their $8 for 2 entrees + rice/noodles. felt like i was in hong kong for 30 minutes, sat in the cramped restaurant listening to the workers and customers exchanging words in cantonese. the egg noodles were dry, and fried fish was salty and oily. the long beans were crunchy though. I remembered why i hate eating out now.

things are slow now, but will start to ramp up again. it's in these moments where i have (too much) time to think about my future, about what gives me meaning and happiness, about my motivations and aspirations.

lately i've been letting my emotions take control of my thoughts when i could be doing things instead. I could call and text my family if i miss them, i could talk to friends and ask them about their day, i could go out and make new friends if i feel lonely, i could face my problems and worries directly, and actively solve them, instead of letting it consume me slowly. i've been finding myself lacking connection, when i could just put more effort into joining conversations with friends, even if it's about a topic i find uninteresting, i should just say whatever pops into my head. my tiredness can be fixed by prioritizing sleep and diet. there are solutions to everything. even if they are not clear, and not obvious, there are steps you can take. as long as you keep taking action and moving forward in a positive direction.

i'm turning 23 in a week, and it scares me. it scares me how fast time passes. how uncertain the future can feel at times. how it feels like i'm still stuck in the past, unwilling to let go and move on. it scares me that i'm in SF, a vibrant and beautiful city full of possibilities, and i'm feeling empty and depressed, lacking purpose and connection. that i have so much room to grow, in my faith as a christian, in my communication skills, in staying connected with my family and friends, in dealing with my insecurities, in my technical skills. how do i know i'm living my life right? what is right? how do i know i'm making the right decisions in life? how do i make the fullest of my time and experience being in SF in my early 20s? what mistakes am I making that I'm not even aware of? how do i minimize regret?

i have to turn emotions into action. take more risks. run more experiments. do more things that excites me. stay curious.