“We never keep to the present. We recall the past; we anticipate the future as if we found it too slow in coming and were trying to hurry it up, or we recall the past as if to stay its too rapid flight. We are so unwise that we wander about in times that do not belong to us, and do not think of the only one that does; so vain that we dream of times that are not and blindly flee the only one that is. The fact is that the present usually hurts. We thrust it out of sight because it distresses us, and if we find it enjoyable, we are sorry to see it slip away. We try to give it the support of the future, and think how we are going to arrange things over which we have no control for a time we can never be sure of reaching.

Let each of us examine his thoughts; he will find them wholly concerned with the past or the future. We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light it throws on our plans for the future. The present is never our end. The past and the present are our means, the future alone our end. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so.”

― Blaise Pascal, Pensées

so excited to learn more about llms for health. there's an initial excitement and adventure that comes with diving into a new field. knowing that you're about to download new information and equip new skills, especially something important like cancer research is thrilling. i'm already finding papers to read. i can't wait to start.

went to hotpot champ with friends. ate too much that i regurgitated a little and felt nauseous. i'm grateful i have this group of friends.

learning how to balance not spending too much time on homeworks and using that time to build and learn other skills instead. there's a point of diminishing returns here. i don't think i am even close to crossing. i need to spend more time mulling over the homeworks.

it's anxiety-inducing that the people you know today, even the ones closest to you has a self that you cannot access, you only have a snapshot of their self, the part that they're willing to reveal to you, and nothing else. there's so much in their heads, memories and beliefs and fears that they lock up inside. maybe this is why loneliness exists, no matter how much you talk to someone or spend time with them, you can never understand them completely, and vice versa, and there are only a handful of people you can truly connect with. how much of our pasts defines us? can we escape from it? is there value in learning about someone's past? can we only focus on the present, and on the future? how well do i truly know myself? what emotions and memories am i suppressing? what am i avoiding? what do i fear?