The Dance of Life, Edvard Munch, 1925

a few advice on interpersonal relationships by Ava

• platonic love is as important as romantic love
  • a lot of people are too obsessed with their partners and not obsessed enough with their friends
  • In Hard to Love Briallen Hopper writes that she experiences herself as someone formed and sustained by others' love and patience, and the kindness of strangers. there is no self-made man
• don't force relationship into a shape, ask for what you want.
  • advocate for your needs, be upfront about what you're looking for
  • there's no "convincing" people: love should be freely given and never coerced
  • In Phaedrus Plato: eros, if channeled correctly, can turn from an obsessive preoccupation to an ability to appreciate the beauty in someone and see that beauty in other parts of the world
  • In Waiting for God Simone Weil: much the problems humanity experiences are caused by a desire to "eat beauty instead of seeing it" Can you see beauty without wanting to consume it?
• nothing fills the void inside you
  • "The realest thing in the world is the void, is emptiness, is transience. Love only makes sense in the context of impending oblivion."
  • don't get into friendships / romantic relationships to fill the void, believing they'll fix everything
  • French analyst Jacques Lacan: "Desire has indestructible permanence. Desire is inextinguishable"
• self-differentiate
  • In A Passionate Marriage David Schnarch, it's defined as the ability to "maintain who you are while you’re close to the people important to you"
  • for with insecure attachment: they long for emotional fusion or avoidance to defend against engulfment.
  • "if you're sufficiently differentiated, you don't need to fuse to feel safe, and you don't need to hide to maintain your own individuality"
  • you succeed in a relationship by giving, but you have to know how to give without hurting yourself.
  • a test: "can you maintain boundaries when you're around people you love? Do you behave in a way you feel happy with, or do you betray yourself?
• do not try to change people
  • don't hope for people to change to keep the fantasy of a happy future alive
  • people change only when they're ready, not because we hope they will
• say the thing
  • you can't fake it or pretend it, it'll show through and all it does is stop you from connecting to someone in a real way
  • consistently saying what you want to say is a strength not a vulnerability
  • be self-aware enough to disclose the ugly things about yourself (charismatic people often weaponize their vulnerability)