"I don’t really want to become normal, average, standard. I want merely to gain in strength, in the courage to live out my life more fully, enjoy more, experience more. I want to develop even more original and more unconventional traits." – Anais Nin
i woke up sleep deprived for another day. i did not feel like doing the podcast. i was physically and mentally yearning for more sleep. throughout the podcast i dreaded when it was my turn to talk, and i was fully self-aware of every word i spoke, and after i was done blurting out what was in my half-awake brain, i criticize and analyze every single word. i would be terrible in a podcast.
after about a full hour, it was finally over. we laughed about it, and i went back to bed to nap. woke up at 1pm and kept rotting in bed after. i felt confused and disoriented. got up to eat the lunch i was supposed to bring to class. i missed three classes today, felt guilty about spending so much money on tuition yet not making use of it. also felt anxious about the lectures i have to watch for finals.
i'm still down with the flu, mind is fuzzy. went to get groceries, decided to buy pomfret fish (5. i decided to steam fish, cantonese style. i had fun gutting the fish, it took an hour, including the time it took to cut ginger and scallions and celery while talking to T. a few mistakes i made: scallion not thin enough, oil was not hot enough, i added too much oil which covered the soy sauce i had.
struggling with time series homework for the rest of the night. talked to mom while eating my fish.
read judges chapter 6 with T, interesting to learn about how Gideon gave unleavened bread and meat to God, and also asked for signs from God directly.
worked on more school assignments. these trivial work keep occupying my time at night. my best hours. now i'm hungry, and i must sleep.