I had often thought that novelists and poets had a special advantage in learning how to live, their writings providing them with an instrument that most of us were denied. By being able to dramatize their own difficulties they were in a far better position for solving them. But if one had no gift for creating imaginative truth, for symbolizing the stresses and strains of one's own inner life in terms of sound and shape or invented happenings to others, was there no way of dealing with them?
[...]
Was there not a way by which each person could find out for himself what he was like, not by reading what other people thought he ought to be, but directly, as directly as knowing the sky is blue and how an apple tastes, not needing anyone to tell him? Perhaps, then, if one could not write for other people one could write for oneself.
– writer and psychoanalyst Marion Milner, on the value of writing and journaling
it rained the whole day again. there were flash flood warnings on our phones during the seminar. a guy talked about his career progression, and my biggest takeaway is your career is a long journey, you're likely to work at a few different companies and industries before you settle on your thing. you don't figure things out on your first try, so the best thing you can do is to stay curious and learn everything, and build good connections. today was the last class for distributed, and there's only one more day of class. next week is thanksgiving. i have no where to go. i don't feel like being in sf anymore. i don't want to be anywhere anymore.
got my teeth adjusted again. grey blends a lot better with my teeth. i don't know why i went blue and green. the rest of the day was a headache that made me hate life. also rendered me overthinking about something that gave me panic attacks. i can't get that thought out of my head. my brain is too imaginative. i'm suffering so much in imagination. i wanted to break apart my brain to pull it out. i believe some things are worth kept unknown. i feel really dumb for feeling this way. so many mixed emotions, it's a mix of frustration, jealousy, confusion, insecurity and anxiety. i realized i'm not strong to handle these emotions all at once. it colored my entire day and i couldn't function anymore. i despised myself for being so easily affected by this. i always tell myself to not be too attached. but i don't know what happened. i'm in too deep again. this is a dangerous emotion.
watched alien and aliens to help smother the anxious thoughts, and also to satiate my curiosity from watching alien romulus. i conclude that romulus was 10x more scary and gory because of how much better CGI is. i conclude today might be one of the worst days i've had. everything felt empty and cold. i had no appetite. i felt alienated and distant from everything. the only thing providing me comfort is worship music again. tomorrow will be a new day. and i'll somehow find a way to suppress all these emotions again. and they will spring up again. a never ending cycle until i face it again. there are so many more important things in life, but somehow this has always felt like the most important thing to me. i can see it all ending, and there's nothing i can do about it.