Many people think [they are in the mode of eternity] when, having done the one or the other, they combine or mediate these opposites. But this is a misunderstanding, for the true eternity lies not behind either/or but ahead of it.
[...]
Were I to wish for anything I would not wish for wealth and power, but for the passion of the possible, that eye which everywhere, ever young, ever burning, sees possibility.
Go beyond living life through the framework of either/or, this or that. embrace the limitless possibility of life.
from Either/Or by Kierkegaard on the Passion for Possibility
its been a month living in chinatown. ive been going the same places, walking the same paths every day: to school, to the chinatown branch sf library, the chinatown ymca, the same few grocery stores.
i notice the same things repeatedly,
the transamerica building right when i step out of my apartment the same gregarious lady handing out flyers for the same promotion at the restaurant entrance the decorative chinatown street lamps, the park where the same elderly chinese males play chinese chess and big 2, the street filled with taiwanese flags, the famous alleyway where they sell fortune cookies, the boba shop i stood waiting for my order 2 years ago, the same homeless in the same corners, the chinatown rose pak station, the same gift shops selling cheap t-shirts, the chinese red lanterns hanging on the streets, rows upon rows, the tour guides in a red shirt and jacket explaining the history of chinatown, the cable car crossing at the road in front of the library the same few people at the library, announcing that the library will be closed soon the same routines at the gym,
it's the same thing everyday. but it's also different every single day.
it's new faces every single day. tourists from all over the world. it's different families and couples exploring and shopping it's different elderlies carrying groceries or holding their grandchilds hands it's a different weather, sometimes the sun is out, some days it's gloomy, it's a different podcast or song in my ear it's a different mood and worry in my head it's different prices everyday at different shops adjusting for competition and inflation it’s different books being checked out of the library as I grow my own collection of books at home it’s heavier weights as I grow stronger at the gym
it’s comforting to notice the same things, and exciting to have newness every day. living in the city, there’s so many moments to capture, things to notice. i could stand at a corner, like a fly on the wall, in chinatown the entire day and never be bored.
facing the same pangs of anxiety again when things don't go into my brain or when i cant catch things easily or when my mental math fails to compute or when i cant answer questions in class that other students can easily do in seconds or when thoughts and words don't arrive and it gets stuck on the loading page. im afraid gerd and the medications i took, and the side effects from both the symptoms and medications causes long term effects of brain fog and anxiety that will be hard to cure. i suppose therapy and by the power of brain plasticity, and prayer, things will change, but for now its all very scary.
i wish the rooftop at night wasn't so windy and cold. it would be a nice spot to walk after dinner. walking in my apartment is the next best alternative. counting the steps in my apartment. there is a total of (26 + 12 + 6 = 44) steps for the stairs, and 42 steps in the corridor to my door step.