Bohemian Garden, Level 5F, K11 KREA mall

another thoughts dump for today

• mom was watching a church service on tv which woke me up and I went back to bed, I felt so confused I forgot where I was
• helped dad navigate to shenzhen, sent him everything on his phone with details and he had to write the same things down on paper again, it's smart because you can always trust hard copies
• Dad took my sd card and adaptor in his luggage by accident so sadly no camera for the day
• My entire plan for central HK gone because of the rain. I was pretty upset. Still hard to regulate my emotions completely when things don’t go my way, as if the world revolves around me. I still have a lot more growing up to do in managing expectations and having backup plans.
• Left hotel at 11am instead of 8, when travelling with family, it's almost impossible to leave on time.
• in K11 art mall
  • Was so hungry I couldn't breathe, taiwanese and HK food was pricey, so went to Bugis Junction (Singaporean) instead for RM60 hainanese chicken rice that was pretty good.
  • Found myself constantly observing and studying how people dress, and questioning makes them look good (maybe it's a combination of physical looks + what they wear).
    • it makes me self-conscious about the way I'm dressing, and makes me want to buy clothing to emulate them, your environment really shapes you
• I have this bias that good looking people only care a lot about their looks and are egoistic, arrogant, and shallow people, logically this could makes sense because it takes time, energy, and money, to maintain or have better looks (features and apparel), all of which can be poured into other more productive and selfless efforts that helps society. Or maybe I'm just projecting and making myself feel better for not being as good looking as them.
• My insecurities are stronger here, I care more about how I look than the things I know or can do. I wonder what it takes for self-acceptance (acceptance therapy and self love?) how much of the things I do or say is seeking love and acceptance? Am I mostly acting out of this insecurity and fear? Why is it that sometimes I don’t want to be myself when I look in the mirror. I think these are high school insecurities I have to face and get rid of in therapy.
• Not really enjoying this trip anymore with the rain, kind of regretting coming
• K11 MUSEA
  • Being in mall makes me want to buy things I don't even need and makes me realize how materialistic human beings are, and how silly it is to be buying expensive stuff either for status or for personal enjoyment when it can be contributed towards a good cause
    • But at the same time these expensive items and clothing portray how well humans are at making beautiful and tasteful things, and how much we're willing to pay for nice things
  • MoMA Design Store + the bohemian garden with the central HK view was the only ones worth going
  • Art house is a cinema lol I was fooled
  • there are art installations in the entire mall which is cool
  • visited a sony store and was amazed by how fast new sony cameras are compared to my fujifilm and how heavy the lenses
• central
  • eventually came here when the rain died at 5pm and first thing we see upon coming out of central station was a lot of filipinos, we teleported to the philippines for a moment
  • there was this Chinese restaurants here that requires you to pay for tea (18 HKD per person), we ordered water and the server was so confused lol
• people watching
  • Standing across SASA in Queens road central while my mom and sister shops at a clothing store called Bless, people watching for 30 minutes, I saw a guy walking his dog, lots of couples holding hands (some are laugh, some are more serious, some are both men which I still find it out of the ordinary), women limping while talking on the phone, kids jumping on puddles, teslas and HK taxis zooming past, tourist families, filipino people, some alone some are loud in big groups, two girl/guy best friend walking together, mother and son/daughter dynamics,
  • thought about what my life would be like and what kind of person I would be if I was in HK. Would I be the lone wolf types who walk alone with headphones on, steady and focused, the couple type where I'm laughing and happy with someone while walking side by side, or with a best friend, or the one with a cute dog. I realize how lonely it would be if I was just dropped in HK without knowing anyone and how scary it will feel to just start over knowing nobody in a new place. Yet also exciting, I felt this in SF where I could be anyone, form my own identity, create my own meaning.
  • Then realizing it's a Sunday night and I'm standing in Hong Kong people watching
  • people-watched so much that I lost a sense of being and forgot that I existed for a few minutes, I went into a state of confusion where I forgot I could act in this world. maybe I was just exhausted.
• Realized how scary it is for the train to go underground under the ocean, what if theres an earthquake and everyone drowns inside
• They have litter containers where on top of you can dispose of your cigarette bud
• Not sure how people call taxis here, i went on to the road while the taxi was at a red light and waved at the driver, he rejected at first and then was like, where do you wanna go. also they ask for street road name and number
• learning that just noting down spots to go and restaurants to try is enough, also just noticing where the crowd is and will bring you to the famous spots.
• also I can't seem to just enjoy a trip when traveling without obsessive planning and researching, I'm pressured to be in the best spots with nice views and the best (affordable) restaurants, I'm gonna just relax the next few days and appreciate my family, realizing that everything is temporary and every moment with them is precious.
• once nice thing i'm not stressing out about articles or other work I told myself I had to finish before going to the US, but at the same time it feels like I don't have an identity without those work. what am I without all of that? I am what I do, and if I do them 90% of my day, what am I without them?
• I think I have social anxiety being in crowded places. can't stop feeling like I'm being judged. maybe it's the past 3 months of being home too much.