In adolescence, we develop a psychological makeup shaped by cultural norms and expectations, which is what Robert Kegan calls the “socialized mind,” the third order of consciousness in his theory of adult development. This is when parents feel like their job is done because their kids have gone from acting like selfish brats to becoming responsible adults.

About 35% of adults undergo a further transformation later, which is the shift from the socialized mind of adolescence and early adulthood to the “self-authoring mind.” This is where people develop “an inner seat of judgement” to evaluate external expectations. Instead of letting their culture dictate their beliefs, they author their own identity, their own set of beliefs, and develop personal authority

character by elaine

a lot of times i ask myself if i'm doing things that i actually want to do. but the problem is i don't know what i want. i'm merely optimizing towards what i have fun doing.

to pursue the things we want would require giving up on what we think we should want, and that's scary. it threatens our sense of belonging and identity that made us feel safe for 20+ years.

robert kegan says it's fraught with "terror and anticipated loss"

i wonder how well his theory holds up in 2024. but it does make me question whether i'm really doing what i want, and just as important, i'm being the person i truly am, not how i think people want me to be.

being unapologetically myself is not an easy thing to do. but it's something i should bring into 2025.

because how we act is the true measure of our character. and character is not a one time thing. it's how we show up again and again in the same situation.