went to class to finish the homework and barely paid attention again. i'm not managing my time well.

went to a gift shop with mom and sis after. buying gifts for friends and church members while traveling is such a thoughtful and kind gesture. i wonder if we do it purely out of love or out of fear of necessity and societal expectations.

went to transamerica redwood park, and returned the instant pot at target. bought some ingredients for green curry. first attempt is a failure. the green curry paste from whole foods let me down. i'm also missing lime leaves. i shall try again.

final walk to hotel des arts with fam. started to feel some sense of reluctance. i initially felt worried about them coming and how it would affect my school and work, but now i don't want them to leave.

felt really alone as i saw my family leave in the uber, standing at the door of des arts. on the way home and all i could think about is how there's no more plans for the next day, or my family asking to open the door to come up to my apartment, or cooking together in my apartment. suddenly my apartment doesn't feel like home anymore.

the emotions were overwhelming and confusing. i wonder why it was harder to see them leave, them me leaving malaysia. maybe it's always harder to see the ones you love leave, then leaving them behind.

felt very emotional the rest of the night. i have work and a test on thursday and i can't focus on them. my head hurts again. watched some scenes from friends to distract myself.

i always feel things so deeply. i always fail to manage my emotions.

what is it exactly that i'm feeling? what am i afraid of? what are these tears for?

somehow spiralled into a panic attack as i lay in my bed, uncontrollably crying again.

this will be all over soon. what i feel now is temporary.

i'm blessed in many ways. there's no sadness. only gratitude. no fear. only love.