magnolias at SF botanical garden
"Sometimes the soul takes pictures of things it has wished for, but never seen." – Anne Sexton
woke up early for merge grant. haven't done an interview-type call in a while, i find myself stumbling over certain words. my brain just hangs and i need the other person to complete my sentences. i wonder if this is because of a lack of sleep, or a lack of vocabulary. either way, i need to talk more even when i don't feel like it, if not my thinking becomes blunt, my memory fuzzy, and my talking muscle atrophies.
failed to delay gratification and watched invincible during lunch, proceeded to feel lethargic and slow. finally dragged myself outside to capital one cafe and got coffee for $3 bucks. kept context switching between papertrail and a resume project and i ended up not making progress in both. coffee made me incredibly anxious, i kept delaying my departure to the botanical hoping i can get something done, but i did not, i felt unproductive and like a failure. i ran to the muni and got on the north beach line. i love the muni, it's an conducive environment for reading, the bus is always too shaky. mere christianity is slowly growing on me, it's making me think about questions i've always had, and it's helping me get close to the answers that i was never able to get from church my whole life.
went to the botanical and started the hunt for all the magnolias i could find in the park. my hands were freezing the entire time, my camera settings were all messed up, and i was also feeling a bit alone, but i got to use my fujifilm camera that my dad bought for me, hold magnolia petals in my hand, and had the privilege to see different species of magnolia.
after i finally got out of the garden, i went to browse around green apple books. i was close to buying an annotated version of meditation by marcus aurelius, but i reminded myself that i almost never read the books i buy, and i exercised self-control. i also rediscovered the yellow-lighted bookshop which i must read one day as a bookstore visiting addict.
my overall mood for the day was worries about employment and on the difficulties of solitude, because of hearing how low the pay is. that made me worry and i'm feeling the pressure. i need to turn this stressor into a productive energy and start working on projects and spend my time on actions that can help get me a JOB. but i know i must be patient and trust in God to provide for me, and to not do things my own way, and believe that results come not from my own actions and will, but through God from within me.