getting easy questions wrong in arguably the easiest quiz I'll ever have in this program injected so much self doubt into my bloodstream that I immediately felt so alienated from everyone else who had no issues at all. i started to catastrophize, jumping from one worry to another in a never-ending domino effect. i never truly missed home until today, it wasn't the homeless nor the smell, nor the lack of structure and support system, it was the simple 16 question 22 minutes quiz and red boxes that made all the pieces fall, it shattered my worldview, robbed me of my confidence, the optimism and conviction, and replaced the glamor and sparkly of the city, with the gloom and misery. it made me notice all the sad things about the city, the minimum wage workers, the drug addicts and homeless, the empty stores. i lost my footing, i kept going in circles, wondering about why this happened, why it affects me so much, what this means from here, how this sets the tone of how i should focus in the future, what change i have to make, what expectations i should hold, and the attitude i should have towards the examinations. i started getting worried about the headaches i have, possible due to accutane, about my theoretically sufficient sleep that never seems to give me the energy i need, and about the future. it made me worry about not being able to handle the pressure, the expectations, and life in general.
the worries
- 3k initial payment, this is so much money
- should i get dental insurance? is it even worth it? do i actually save? how to find the cheapest but not sacrifice quality?
- how do not fumble in future quizzes and exams so I won't get bad grades and fail to get good practicums
- how to study well, but not too much? how can i prepare just enough? i felt doubt in my answers, so maybe that's the sign. i have to study to the point where i have confidence in my answers
- how to cope with setbacks and unmet expectations and disappointments in a way that is constructive and productive
- how to deal with the headaches? how to get better sleep?
some wins and reminders of the bigger picture
- i get to be in SF!!!
- this is what i wanted, i am living the dream, and i have to live up to it
- don't expect it to be easy or straightforward, it is supposed to be hard, you're supposed to fail and fall down, make mistakes, it's all part of the dance
- quizzes and exams don't define me, i am more than my grades
- i visited a dentist and she was very nice and friendly, now i have an option for braces
- i get to do this cool program with a bunch of cool individuals and learn stuff that I won't have the motivation to learn myself
- i have korean and japanese and chinese grocery stores to explore and try out recipes
- i get to live with W and do stuff with him
- i have a father who is supporting me financially
- i have my mom i can talk to about my problems