spent the most part of yesterday studying and preparing and writing out identities and formulas that i never thought to study the notes.

i'm usually confident with my tests, i panic a little bit at the start but i usually find my way in the end. i usually feel 80-90% sure but this test was a flashback to my bayesian class in iowa where i had no idea how to approach my proofs at all.

i was sitting there, completely blanking at E(b1_hat) = b1. my mind starts spiralling and it paralyzes me. i instantly forget everything i studied. my heart beats faster, my palms get sweaty, and i feel like i'm facing death itself and i can't breathe. i start to feel like a failure, and doubt creeps in. all the while chinese songs kept looping in my head, possibly a form of coping mechanism, and i can't focus. i'm internally screaming and i want to escape.

the feeling of submitting an unfinished test is one of the worst feelings in the world. it's not even about the grades at this point. my ability to do the test was a reflection of my competence as a stats major. this should be something that I can handle. but the fact that i couldn't, i feel like i haven't really been learning anything. if i'm not good at what i majored in, then what was i doing for the past 3 years? i was facing existential dread, staring into the abyss in my class seconds after the test.

right after the horrible test, i got news that i might be interviewing with meta. all the stress and anxiety from the test was replaced with excitement, then slowly a new kind of stress. now there's a bigger challenge, it's not just a bad grade on a paper, it's my future. this is what i wanted, and now i need to prove myself.

spent most of the night doing leetcode sql and python instead of studying for the test tomorrow. haven't done an interview for over a year, it's going to be so scary, but i have the whole weekend to prepare. i need to trust in myself and in the Lord.