"Watch out for intellect, because it knows so much it knows nothing and leaves you hanging upside down, mouthing knowledge as your heart falls out of your mouth." – Anne Sexton

woke up feeling insecure and worthless again. couldn't get out of bed. i just wanted to not exist. acid reflux also worsening. made T stay up again which i feel bad about. i need to manage my emotions better, whether i should do it on my own or with her i'm not sure.

took ucsf meeting reporting my results. got the chance to ask more questions at the end which is my favorite part about this internship. learning about how the team acquires data, and why data is hard to collect, and what the overall vision is and what other people are doing. i love the big picture, i don't like being stuck in a box, trying to optimize numbers to go up.

went to the library to study and finish ml homework. my heel blister hurts and i realize how something so little can affect my walking. couldn't pass the test because i was missing (1 - momentum) on the gradient components. i need to pay attention in class more. rushed back to take my practicum meeting.

the cramming for the ml quiz has begun. i love it when i get to use my remarkable and write out equations and concepts by hand. i can never focus in class anymore without any incentive or fear of an upcoming quiz. this pressure narrows my focus, but the downside is i can't work on the dozen other projects and stuff i have/want to do. time is so limited as a student. i do not like being controlled by external factors, studying to not do bad in a test is an extrinsic motivation, i want to be intrinsically motivated to learn, and that's something that is impossible, or hard to create in an educational institution.