Gabriel: If sweet, sweet God loves you so, then I will make you worthy of His love. I've been watching for a long time. It's only in the face of horror that you truly find your nobler selves. And you can be so noble. So, I'll bring you pain, I'll bring you horror, so that you may rise above it. So that those of you who survive this reign of hell on earth will be worthy of God's love.

this hip injury that leached on to me into the new years has injected a lot of anxiety and worry, as someone who's been plagued by GERD, a condition that's only temporarily subdued, i'm terribly pessimistic about my health. i did not feel like myself today. i was lacking hope today, only emptiness and pointlessness of everything. i couldn't seem to find the meaning in any of the work i did. and as i tried to work on something, anything, the entire day just slipped away, and i can't remember exactly what i did. there's a certain danger to not leaving the house after a while, and having all your thoughts to yourself, in your cold and dark room. perhaps i'm just bored again, and my brain is finding excuses to not do any work by acting up, inciting chaos in my head to entertain itself, or the extension of my abstract deadline, i realize i have no stick to chase anymore. and i'm left with reality. where no one is telling me what to do or where to go, i'm left with the dizzying freedom to make choices and actions in my life for myself. watching constantine was my biggest comfort today. it actually made me more hopeful somehow. but today still felt like a dream, my brain is fuzzy and i can't remember who i am or why i'm here. i hope going to church tomorrow morning will bring me back.