if you knew the end from the beginning, would you do things differently?
a lot of us think that we would, thinking it would save us and everyone else the pain
but that experience is what made you the person that you are. and all the people that you've met and the people that are in your life now are all wrapped up in that.
everything you go through, leads us to who we are.
– from cinema therapy on the boy and the heron
studying abroad 8000 miles away from home in one of the most expensive cities in the US means getting out of bed even though your entire body is sore from sleeping on the floor and you feel like you didn't sleep at all. it means going to class and paying attention even when your entire body is shutting down and your eyes feel as heavy as rocks.
it means walking home with a massive headache, feeling like you're about to pass out at any moment, so that you have time to work on 10 other things to stay on track. it means being floor-ridden for hours in a your room with the lights off because the light hurts your eyes, staring at the ceiling, twisting and turning, and wondering why your head feels like its on fire. it also means not telling your parents so they don't worry, and trying to cope instead with nostalgic old pictures and texts that provide a sense comfort and escapism.
it also means begrudgingly getting out of the floor to make your protein shake so you continue to stay healthy because no one else is responsible for your health, and going back to the bed again, trying to rest by reading the paris review, but eventually sleeping for another hour because your brain stops processing the words and its all just black ink on paper.
it also means waking up and packing a faulty airbed that you've been using for two months because you wanted to save money, and setting up a 60lbs mattress that has a one-year free trial, out of breath and exhausted because every inch of your body is fighting against movement.
it also means cooking the free plant based meat from YMCA and porkbelly that has been sitting in the fridge so that it won't go bad so you don't waste money, even when you don't feel like eating.
it also means testing for covid because you're so sick you're begging for a reason, but ultimately testing negative and drown in confusion and fear.
it also means staying up to work on projects that can help in your career instead of going to bed early to get better, because now is not the time to rest, you can always rest later once you have a job. you don't have that privilege now.